Black Metal Essentials Part 3

Dimmu Borgir – DEATH CULT ARMAGEDDON (2003)

No, Dimmu Borgir aren't transgressing the so-called spirit of black metal. Black metal is all about transgression, asshole. Also, there is no musical style that can be called true black metal. Black metal is merely an idea. Dimmu Borgir are just pushing that idea to a higher musical level than all the underground shit bands stuck in 1994. Goddamn, pull your head out of your ass and take a look around, retards. Recording your music on a voice recorder is neither evil, nor is it an awe-inspiring demonstration of perseverance. It's just stubborn and pitiful, and it's what I call selling out. You're being a puritanical, spineless petit bourgeois full of self-deception and bullshit. I bet you wear leather cuffs because you think it makes you look badass like a viking (no, it makes you look indescribably ridiculous) and have never tasted a pussy, you fun-hating, inhibited loser. To reject art for ideological reasons is the most blatant proof of narrow-mindedness and angst. Triple fuck you and go choke on a dick.

As for DEATH CULT ARMAGEDDON, it's simply the apotheosis of pitch black bombast. It's mind-blowing, orgasmic, total fucking darkness. The decadence of the Roman Empire, Dresden 1945, dark medieval times, the Book of Revelation, the Third Nuclear World War and post-apocalyptic android battles happening all at once and put into music. DEATH CULT ARMAGEDDON is the closest music can come to perfection. I can't imagine anything surpassing this album. If I should ever find something greater, I without much doubt won't survive the greatness of it.

Satyricon – VOLCANO (2002)

In 1999, Satyricon fucked their fans in the ass with the groundbreaking REBEL EXTRAVAGANZA and thus paved the way for the return of Thorns (which was, essentially, not more than a re-recording of REBEL EXTRAVAGANZA) and, as a band, evolved from shit to badass. Satyr and Frost then thought 'Why stop here?' and released VOLCANO three years later, a coarse, pissed off hybrid of black metal, industrial and rock'n'roll, which had a scene impact similar to Entombed back in the days, with the slight difference that Entombed sucked ass and Satyricon fucking rock. This album sounds like a furious black metal steamroller cut loose – or a stream of black lava, drifting down the mountainside, black lava you can't stop ("Black Lava"). It's purged of all capriciousness, marked down to the absolutely essential, and therein lies its irrepressible power. The mercilessly straightforward song structures and odd poetics make Satyricon seem like a rigorously elaborated version of classic Darkthrone. A milestone of contemporary black metal, that can not even be altered by the picture of Satyr in the booklet on which he looks like a depressive version of Boy George.

This is an album after which you stop recording music, at least for a long, long while, unless you have the balls to try something completely different next time. Satyricon went for neither of these options. They chose to become predictable and thus boring. I hate it so fucking much when great bands destroy themselves slowly instead of just stopping or going down in flames. I'm just relieved Satyricon finally went on hiatus.

Aura Noir – HADES RISE (2008)

This is a great muddy little gem, terribly underrated and awesome. Noone seems to care about Aura Noir, but do they fucking care? No, they just get dead drunk and play black thrash'n'roll. They're the Motörhead of black metal, fast, dirty, ugly and rocking hard. HADES RISE smells of beer, sweat, balls and metal. Aura Noir probably have the biggest coks of all the bands in this list. All hail.

Black Metal Essentials - Part 1

Black Metal Essentials - Part 2

Black Metal Essentials Part 2 – The Heaviest Shit (I Wish I Could Vomit Blood on You... People)

These are the heaviest (and therefore essential) black metal albums that come to my mind:

1349 – BEYOND THE APOCALYPSE (2004)

This is heavy and aggressive as fuck. I can hardly listen to the whole album without interruption because the inhuman rawness makes my ears bleed and the skin peel off my skull. This must have been the soundtrack of Lucifer being cast down to hell. It's completely incomprehensible to me how human beings can record that kind of music. It's fucking beautiful.

Anaal Nathrakh – HELL IS EMPTY AND ALL THE DEVILS ARE HERE (2007)

Anaal Nathrakh ate just another band whose sound is considered overproduced by a broad majority of black metal purists because they dare to sound awesome instead of shitty. What you get here is truly a "pandemonic hyperblast". If you don't start to shiver in fear and anticipation of what's going to come next at the first sounds of the intro, you're either deaf and need to turn the sound so fucking far up that the ensuing blastbeats make the floor tremble, or your head is so far up your asshole you're tasting your gastric juice. According to this album, the apocalypse will be a lot worse than the very worst you can imagine. The feat that the band achieved here was to turn that unleashed boundless violence into not just listenable songs, but real killer songs with nipple hardening riffs and a sound so opulent it seems almost artificial. And adding the grindcore elements was a real stroke of genius – the abysmally deep death grunts paired with the abattoir-like screeching kill 'em all. All. Best song: probably "Until the World Stops Turning". The beginning with the machine gun fire mixed with the drumming is enough to make me cum instantly.

Nattefrost – BLOOD AND VOMIT (2004)

The album title alone justifies its mention in this list. The music follows along, primitive, raw and loud as can be. It's probably the most primitive-aggressive album ever recorded. The beat is almost techno, which, strangely, makes it even more evil. It's even loud if you turn the sound down. And did anyone before Nattefrost have the idea incorporate distorted puking sounds into his music? I just wonder why Nattefrost is so fucking pissed. The album sounds like he poured boiling water over his dick while he recorded it. Or maybe he realized that if you invert an inverted cross it looks like a latin cross. Don't listen to this record in public places, because you will look pretty strange trying to keep a decent expression on your face, while the wrath of Nattefrost slits your guts and fists your ass.

Black Metal Essentials - Part 1

Men's Health

I recently and accidentally came upon the august issue of the shit mag "Men's Health". They were handing out that printed trash for free at some kind of promotional event disguised as a sports competition. I have no recollection of how I found my way right into the middle of this giant meeting of assholes. I must have been drunk or something. I took a copy of the mag with me because it was for free and because I had nothing to read on the way home. I didn't however read it in the subway, because I was too busy hating everybody. I read it at home, when I stumbled upon it a few days later. And, oh woe, what did my eyes behold!

Nothing against men's magazines in general. But in order to be legit as such, a men's magazine should feature at least two, if not all of the following components:

- tits of reasonable quantity and size (no photoshopped/boyish/anorexic/flat-breasted new-fashioned bullshit), eventually and at the very best also pussy shots;

- awesome stuff like weapons, tanks, very big machines;

- heavy metal;

- gratuitous violence;

- blatant oldschool chauvinism;

- examples of real men (Marlon Brando, Charles Bukowski, the Dude, Mickey Rourke, Lemmy, etc);

- a poster of some kind of radically anti-feminist über-man carrying an assault rifle, a whip and ammunition belts, standing on a tank pulled by twenty naked huge-breasted sweating girls orgazming at his sight, while Motörhead play in the background and a giant nuclear mushroom cloud fills the sky.

Instead, Men's Health features this:

- A somewhat creepy density of unnaturally well-built male models, all with designer stubbles and lascivious-joyous look on their mildly tanned faces. Only a few pages into the mag, there's a fullpage ad for one of the gayest labels ever, Dolce & Gabbana, with a wet, almost naked man rubbing his crotch in your face, asking you with his feverish gaze to suck his cock like the debauched sperm-hungry male slut he knows you are. The subliminal homosexuality here isn't subliminal anymore.

So now that we've stopped discriminating homosexuals, we become homosexual instead? It's like those ethno nazis who think that if you don't have dreadlocks and wear hand tufted Tibetan sandals and eat African food, you're automatically a raging hating rascist asshole. But I think it's more likely a possibility for Men's Health readers to live out their suppressed bisexuality and hasn't much to do with actually tolerating and consciously absorbing a different culture.

- A shitload of reports on low calory food and how to eliminate even the last gram of fat in your body. You can't be fucking serious. I thought women were the ones unable to remember that exercise and a diet based on vegetables will make them loose weight, and need to have it drummed into their birdbrains again every week with the help of the new issue of their favourite shit filled women's magazine. So now men want to read about which Starbucks Frappuccino is the most venial dietary sin too? Fuck you. What makes you want to drink a Starbucks Frappuccino in the first place, asshat? Go get yourself a fucking beer, before a sailor sees you and rips your dick off and rams it up your ass. Goddman, this shit makes me so angry I'm getting a bad nosebleed. I'm going to work out super hard tomorrow so I can crack your neck with a nudge of my little finger next time I see one of you metrosexual dicks with his Frappuccino.

- Speaking of metrosexuality: Should you, as a man, shave your privates? Your friends and advisors of Men's Health can tell you why you should eliminate all the pubes. First, it makes your dick look bigger. Second, it's hygienic. Third, 98% of women are (allegedly) turned off by your bush, so if you shave, you increase your chance to get a blowjob.

Well, no. Just fucking no. A man shaving anywhere downwards from his head is a disgrace. It's just not supposed to be. Nothing justifies the action of running a razor over your balls. And as for the dick-size argument, don't pretend to be shaving because you want your dick to look bigger for her. She's not supposed to stare at it and take pictures, but to ride it like a sex drunk frantic slut. I bet you just want to turn yourself on and your secretly bisexual workout buddies in the shower. Go drown in a pool of dicks, you hypocrite asshole.

Also, hygiene has nothing to do with your body hair. How about taking a shower? And if your girl complains about your balls smelling like balls, fart in her face and then throw her out the window. Same if she belongs to the (according to Men's Health) 98% who are turned off by hairy balls so strongly they refuse to suck on them. A woman who wants you to shave your balls, because having a pube on her tongue after giving you a blowjob is simply too much for her, is an annoying bitch, so the act of violence inflicted upon her is strictly justified. And just in case you feel like objecting that 98% is almost every woman, fuck you, because what do you care about every woman? 99,9% of women are retarded, so if you have the smallest possible amount of sense, you're going to have to stick to the remaining 0,1%. But obviously you have eradicated all sense from your brain, you degenerated fuck. So if you're asking yourself the question whether or not to shave down there, you're already wrong. Go die in a napalm bombing (which, by the way, is the easiest way to get rid of all that hair). I believe there's a not too remote probability for metrosexuality to cause the downfall of mankind, when supposedly heterosexual men begin to fuck each other instead of women, claiming it to be a natural part of male friendship and bond building.

- So now you've shaved your arm pits, chest, balls, dick and ass crack, and you're still bored with your sex life? Thank God there's Men's Health to supply you with some exciting positions that probably never came to either your or your girl's mind! How about this awesome variation of the missionary position: Instead of just lying flat, your girl pulls up her legs, so as to tighten her vagina! Or let the girl sit on top of you for a change! I'm not kidding, these are actual sex tips in Men's Health. I refuse to believe that there are grown men out there who are sexually retarded enough to need this kind of hints. Do you idiots even know where your dick is located? Or which one of her holes you're supposed to bang? Newsflash, fucktard: there are actually several holes you can use. But don't count on me to give you a site plan. Find out for yourself. Read it in the next issue of Men's Health.

- Dating tips. Only losers need dating tips. That's a fact.

Okay, enough. I've tried to read more but it makes me so angry and ashamed I'm on the brink of running amok. I don't dare to imagine what sorry excuses for men read this mag on a regular basis. It seems like today's "men's" magazines are actually just women's magazines in disguise. I wouldn't be surprised if getting a Men's Health subscription resulted in having your penis turn into a vagina.

If your girlfriend doesn't look like this when you come home, you have failed as a man

Black Metal Essentials Part 1

Darkthrone – UNDER A FUNERAL MOON (1993)

The cold, the cold. It chills me still. These guys are sitting naked in the snow and whipping each other with fir tree branches and it's not gay in the least, but pure fucking nihilism. Well, it isn't nihilistic at all, there's of course a very distinct method to the madness, if you dare, or have the endurance to take a closer look. What a deep and bold record, intended to be understood by very few only; what a terrific way to not give a fuck. The subsequent progress of the band is, in retrospect, already foreseeable. "Natassja in Eternal Sleep" was the moment when I fell eternally in love with this band. If you're still wondering what it sounds like because you haven't either downloaded the whole album or listened to the song on Youtube yet: Download the album. In case you want to have a rough idea if what it sounds like before you download it, you're a dickhead, but here you go: It sounds incredibly shitty, cold and wide, aggressive and awesome and fucking epic. If listening to "Natassja..." doesn't give you goosebumps, just leave it and go back to listening to Fallout Boy.

Mayhem – DE MYSTERIIS DOM SATHANAS (1994)

Much more aggressive than Darkthrone. These guys are really deranged, and that's how the album sounds. Sick and necro. Fucking weird. You never know what's posed and what's true with Mayhem. Attila is the most fitting vocalist this band could get, since he's obviously crazy in the head, whereas Darkthrone are mentally completely sane. While Darkthrone represent the never-give-a-fuck aspect of black metal, Mayhem are the sickness and depravity. Just listen to "Buried by Time and Dust" or "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas". No more words.

Immortal – AT THE HEART OF WINTER (1997)

The first black metal that was suited for being played in stadiums. This record sounds like the band had a wizard come to their studio (maybe the wizard featured in the Call of the Wintermoon video) who turned vast icy landscapes into sound. The riffs are as colossal as it gets, menacing to break out of the speakers to cover the world with ice and snow. Dick hardening heavy metal grandiloquence. Immortal were never and never will be better. While Darkthrone and Mayhem have and always had a certain avant-gardesque touch, Immortal are pure working class black metal. They began with true black metal so primitive you almost felt ashamed for the band, then went on with faceskin peeling monumental blackened power metal – no experiments, it all comes from the heart. Also, there's no message here, except: fucking ROCK!

Facts

- Only fags and posers live in the inner city, macchiato sipping wannabe intellectual scum. Misanthropic, euphorically depressive, borderline autistic, strong, vigorous, fair and handsome Übermen like myself prefer the suburbs, clean, wide, ugly, boring and dangerous.

- Music died around the year 2000. Nothing innovative came after that. Nothing but variations of much too well known themes.

- If you think all music that's been recorded after the year 2000 sucks ass, you probably live in the inner city.

- Real men work hard or work out. Or both. Or they kill bears with their bare hands. You might object that Humphrey Bogart didn't work hard, nor did he work out. Well, Bogart played real men, asshole.

- Darkthrone is the best band in the world.

- Punkrock died with GG Allin. Don't even dare to call yourself a fucking rebel, unless you have the balls to perform naked and take a shit onstage and smear your face with your excrements and fight the whole fucking world and go down in flames. Begging and drinking beer on the streets and wearing a mohawk doesn't make you a punk, you misguided fashion victim, motherfucker, piece of shit. Get the fuck back back to your mom's house and grow out of adolescence, then reconsider if you really have the guts to REBEL. Rebellion is either a death sentence or you don't fucking call it rebellion.

- Neither does persisting in listening to your shitty records on vinyl or dee-jaying solely with vinyl make you a punk. How could you even come up with the idea of standing up for punk rock by being as blimpish as can be? Punk rock doesn't need your piteous stance, and the world doesn't need it, and noone needs it, noone needs you, fuck off.

- Clubs, congregations, unions, subcultures are for dumbasses who want nothing more than to adapt to some kind of society. Only cowards feel the urge to band together and adapt to a code of behavior and appearance so they can feel good about themselves. Your social marginality is a gift, dumbass. It's what makes you special. Don't waste it by joining a stupid fucking movement. True greatness is achieved only by those swimming against all streams, not only the main stream. The kind of conformity you're living and defending is dangerous and deadly. I'll fucking bite your head off if I ever meet you.

- Heavy Metal is like France. France would be the greatest country in the world, if it weren't for its inhabitants. Heavy Metal would be the greatest musical genre in the world if it weren't for its fans.

- Real men listen to Heavy Metal.

A short hate fueled dissertation on rush hour misanthropy

How can there be so many working people in the area I live alone? I thought Germany had such big unemployment issues, but if you ask me, our problem is that we've got much too much people going to work at 7 AM (what is it with us having to work that fucking early in Germany?), crowding my busses, obstructing my sidewalk, either giving me weird looks without a goddamn reason OR not giving anyone any look at all, having bad breath, farting and pretending not to notice their own fart, guzzling stinking liverwurst sandwidches, giving each other evil looks, yawning, lethargically bumping into everybody (especially myself) as if they're some kind of zombies, choking down a cough or burp, letting out a cough, snuffling extremely loudly, KEEPING OTHERWISE COMPLETELY SILENT, and if they do meet someone they know, whispering.

SUBHUMAN SCUM. Fuck off and die.

If I were Master of the Universe and still had to use public transport, I would have special powers (not retard powers, but superhero powers) that would enable me to generate a force field powerful enough to dash everyone out of the windows so that I could have the whole vehicle for myself. Another possibility would be to have a devoted fellowship of wolves (I'm thinking of Insanity Wolves) that scare everybody out, than chase them and hunt them down like rabbits. I dream of an intestine covered, blood soiled, damping ground...