Samstag, 4. September 2010

Black Metal Essentials Part 3


No, Dimmu Borgir aren't transgressing the so-called spirit of black metal. Black metal is all about transgression, asshole. Also, there is no musical style that can be called true black metal. Black metal is merely an idea. Dimmu Borgir are just pushing that idea to a higher musical level than all the underground shit bands stuck in 1994. Goddamn, pull your head out of your ass and take a look around, retards. Recording your music on a voice recorder is neither evil, nor is it an awe-inspiring demonstration of perseverance. It's just stubborn and pitiful, and it's what I call selling out. You're being a puritanical, spineless petit bourgeois full of self-deception and bullshit. I bet you wear leather cuffs because you think it makes you look badass like a viking (no, it makes you look indescribably ridiculous) and have never tasted a pussy, you fun-hating, inhibited loser. To reject art for ideological reasons is the most blatant proof of narrow-mindedness and angst. Triple fuck you and go choke on a dick.

As for DEATH CULT ARMAGEDDON, it's simply the apotheosis of pitch black bombast. It's mind-blowing, orgasmic, total fucking darkness. The decadence of the Roman Empire, Dresden 1945, dark medieval times, the Book of Revelation, the Third Nuclear World War and post-apocalyptic android battles happening all at once and put into music. DEATH CULT ARMAGEDDON is the closest music can come to perfection. I can't imagine anything surpassing this album. If I should ever find something greater, I without much doubt won't survive the greatness of it.

Satyricon – VOLCANO (2002)

In 1999, Satyricon fucked their fans in the ass with the groundbreaking REBEL EXTRAVAGANZA and thus paved the way for the return of Thorns (which was, essentially, not more than a re-recording of REBEL EXTRAVAGANZA) and, as a band, evolved from shit to badass. Satyr and Frost then thought 'Why stop here?' and released VOLCANO three years later, a coarse, pissed off hybrid of black metal, industrial and rock'n'roll, which had a scene impact similar to Entombed back in the days, with the slight difference that Entombed sucked ass and Satyricon fucking rock. This album sounds like a furious black metal steamroller cut loose – or a stream of black lava, drifting down the mountainside, black lava you can't stop ("Black Lava"). It's purged of all capriciousness, marked down to the absolutely essential, and therein lies its irrepressible power. The mercilessly straightforward song structures and odd poetics make Satyricon seem like a rigorously elaborated version of classic Darkthrone. A milestone of contemporary black metal, that can not even be altered by the picture of Satyr in the booklet on which he looks like a depressive version of Boy George.

This is an album after which you stop recording music, at least for a long, long while, unless you have the balls to try something completely different next time. Satyricon went for neither of these options. They chose to become predictable and thus boring. I hate it so fucking much when great bands destroy themselves slowly instead of just stopping or going down in flames. I'm just relieved Satyricon finally went on hiatus.

Aura Noir – HADES RISE (2008)

This is a great muddy little gem, terribly underrated and awesome. Noone seems to care about Aura Noir, but do they fucking care? No, they just get dead drunk and play black thrash'n'roll. They're the Motörhead of black metal, fast, dirty, ugly and rocking hard. HADES RISE smells of beer, sweat, balls and metal. Aura Noir probably have the biggest coks of all the bands in this list. All hail.

Black Metal Essentials - Part 1

Black Metal Essentials - Part 2

Donnerstag, 2. September 2010

Black Metal Essentials Part 2 – The Heaviest Shit (I Wish I Could Vomit Blood on You... People)

These are the heaviest (and therefore essential) black metal albums that come to my mind:


This is heavy and aggressive as fuck. I can hardly listen to the whole album without interruption because the inhuman rawness makes my ears bleed and the skin peel off my skull. This must have been the soundtrack of Lucifer being cast down to hell. It's completely incomprehensible to me how human beings can record that kind of music. It's fucking beautiful.


Anaal Nathrakh ate just another band whose sound is considered overproduced by a broad majority of black metal purists because they dare to sound awesome instead of shitty. What you get here is truly a "pandemonic hyperblast". If you don't start to shiver in fear and anticipation of what's going to come next at the first sounds of the intro, you're either deaf and need to turn the sound so fucking far up that the ensuing blastbeats make the floor tremble, or your head is so far up your asshole you're tasting your gastric juice. According to this album, the apocalypse will be a lot worse than the very worst you can imagine. The feat that the band achieved here was to turn that unleashed boundless violence into not just listenable songs, but real killer songs with nipple hardening riffs and a sound so opulent it seems almost artificial. And adding the grindcore elements was a real stroke of genius – the abysmally deep death grunts paired with the abattoir-like screeching kill 'em all. All. Best song: probably "Until the World Stops Turning". The beginning with the machine gun fire mixed with the drumming is enough to make me cum instantly.

Nattefrost – BLOOD AND VOMIT (2004)

The album title alone justifies its mention in this list. The music follows along, primitive, raw and loud as can be. It's probably the most primitive-aggressive album ever recorded. The beat is almost techno, which, strangely, makes it even more evil. It's even loud if you turn the sound down. And did anyone before Nattefrost have the idea incorporate distorted puking sounds into his music? I just wonder why Nattefrost is so fucking pissed. The album sounds like he poured boiling water over his dick while he recorded it. Or maybe he realized that if you invert an inverted cross it looks like a latin cross. Don't listen to this record in public places, because you will look pretty strange trying to keep a decent expression on your face, while the wrath of Nattefrost slits your guts and fists your ass.

Black Metal Essentials - Part 1