Sonntag, 29. August 2010

Men's Health

I recently and accidentally came upon the august issue of the shit mag "Men's Health". They were handing out that printed trash for free at some kind of promotional event disguised as a sports competition. I have no recollection of how I found my way right into the middle of this giant meeting of assholes. I must have been drunk or something. I took a copy of the mag with me because it was for free and because I had nothing to read on the way home. I didn't however read it in the subway, because I was too busy hating everybody. I read it at home, when I stumbled upon it a few days later. And, oh woe, what did my eyes behold!

Nothing against men's magazines in general. But in order to be legit as such, a men's magazine should feature at least two, if not all of the following components:

- tits of reasonable quantity and size (no photoshopped/boyish/anorexic/flat-breasted new-fashioned bullshit), eventually and at the very best also pussy shots;

- awesome stuff like weapons, tanks, very big machines;

- heavy metal;

- gratuitous violence;

- blatant oldschool chauvinism;

- examples of real men (Marlon Brando, Charles Bukowski, the Dude, Mickey Rourke, Lemmy, etc);

- a poster of some kind of radically anti-feminist über-man carrying an assault rifle, a whip and ammunition belts, standing on a tank pulled by twenty naked huge-breasted sweating girls orgazming at his sight, while Motörhead play in the background and a giant nuclear mushroom cloud fills the sky.

Instead, Men's Health features this:

- A somewhat creepy density of unnaturally well-built male models, all with designer stubbles and lascivious-joyous look on their mildly tanned faces. Only a few pages into the mag, there's a fullpage ad for one of the gayest labels ever, Dolce & Gabbana, with a wet, almost naked man rubbing his crotch in your face, asking you with his feverish gaze to suck his cock like the debauched sperm-hungry male slut he knows you are. The subliminal homosexuality here isn't subliminal anymore.

So now that we've stopped discriminating homosexuals, we become homosexual instead? It's like those ethno nazis who think that if you don't have dreadlocks and wear hand tufted Tibetan sandals and eat African food, you're automatically a raging hating rascist asshole. But I think it's more likely a possibility for Men's Health readers to live out their suppressed bisexuality and hasn't much to do with actually tolerating and consciously absorbing a different culture.

- A shitload of reports on low calory food and how to eliminate even the last gram of fat in your body. You can't be fucking serious. I thought women were the ones unable to remember that exercise and a diet based on vegetables will make them loose weight, and need to have it drummed into their birdbrains again every week with the help of the new issue of their favourite shit filled women's magazine. So now men want to read about which Starbucks Frappuccino is the most venial dietary sin too? Fuck you. What makes you want to drink a Starbucks Frappuccino in the first place, asshat? Go get yourself a fucking beer, before a sailor sees you and rips your dick off and rams it up your ass. Goddman, this shit makes me so angry I'm getting a bad nosebleed. I'm going to work out super hard tomorrow so I can crack your neck with a nudge of my little finger next time I see one of you metrosexual dicks with his Frappuccino.

- Speaking of metrosexuality: Should you, as a man, shave your privates? Your friends and advisors of Men's Health can tell you why you should eliminate all the pubes. First, it makes your dick look bigger. Second, it's hygienic. Third, 98% of women are (allegedly) turned off by your bush, so if you shave, you increase your chance to get a blowjob.

Well, no. Just fucking no. A man shaving anywhere downwards from his head is a disgrace. It's just not supposed to be. Nothing justifies the action of running a razor over your balls. And as for the dick-size argument, don't pretend to be shaving because you want your dick to look bigger for her. She's not supposed to stare at it and take pictures, but to ride it like a sex drunk frantic slut. I bet you just want to turn yourself on and your secretly bisexual workout buddies in the shower. Go drown in a pool of dicks, you hypocrite asshole.

Also, hygiene has nothing to do with your body hair. How about taking a shower? And if your girl complains about your balls smelling like balls, fart in her face and then throw her out the window. Same if she belongs to the (according to Men's Health) 98% who are turned off by hairy balls so strongly they refuse to suck on them. A woman who wants you to shave your balls, because having a pube on her tongue after giving you a blowjob is simply too much for her, is an annoying bitch, so the act of violence inflicted upon her is strictly justified. And just in case you feel like objecting that 98% is almost every woman, fuck you, because what do you care about every woman? 99,9% of women are retarded, so if you have the smallest possible amount of sense, you're going to have to stick to the remaining 0,1%. But obviously you have eradicated all sense from your brain, you degenerated fuck. So if you're asking yourself the question whether or not to shave down there, you're already wrong. Go die in a napalm bombing (which, by the way, is the easiest way to get rid of all that hair). I believe there's a not too remote probability for metrosexuality to cause the downfall of mankind, when supposedly heterosexual men begin to fuck each other instead of women, claiming it to be a natural part of male friendship and bond building.

- So now you've shaved your arm pits, chest, balls, dick and ass crack, and you're still bored with your sex life? Thank God there's Men's Health to supply you with some exciting positions that probably never came to either your or your girl's mind! How about this awesome variation of the missionary position: Instead of just lying flat, your girl pulls up her legs, so as to tighten her vagina! Or let the girl sit on top of you for a change! I'm not kidding, these are actual sex tips in Men's Health. I refuse to believe that there are grown men out there who are sexually retarded enough to need this kind of hints. Do you idiots even know where your dick is located? Or which one of her holes you're supposed to bang? Newsflash, fucktard: there are actually several holes you can use. But don't count on me to give you a site plan. Find out for yourself. Read it in the next issue of Men's Health.

- Dating tips. Only losers need dating tips. That's a fact.

Okay, enough. I've tried to read more but it makes me so angry and ashamed I'm on the brink of running amok. I don't dare to imagine what sorry excuses for men read this mag on a regular basis. It seems like today's "men's" magazines are actually just women's magazines in disguise. I wouldn't be surprised if getting a Men's Health subscription resulted in having your penis turn into a vagina.

Freitag, 13. August 2010

Black Metal Essentials Part 1


The cold, the cold. It chills me still. These guys are sitting naked in the snow and whipping each other with fir tree branches and it's not gay in the least, but pure fucking nihilism. Well, it isn't nihilistic at all, there's of course a very distinct method to the madness, if you dare, or have the endurance to take a closer look. What a deep and bold record, intended to be understood by very few only; what a terrific way to not give a fuck. The subsequent progress of the band is, in retrospect, already foreseeable. "Natassja in Eternal Sleep" was the moment when I fell eternally in love with this band. If you're still wondering what it sounds like because you haven't either downloaded the whole album or listened to the song on Youtube yet: Download the album. In case you want to have a rough idea if what it sounds like before you download it, you're a dickhead, but here you go: It sounds incredibly shitty, cold and wide, aggressive and awesome and fucking epic. If listening to "Natassja..." doesn't give you goosebumps, just leave it and go back to listening to Fallout Boy.


Much more aggressive than Darkthrone. These guys are really deranged, and that's how the album sounds. Sick and necro. Fucking weird. You never know what's posed and what's true with Mayhem. Attila is the most fitting vocalist this band could get, since he's obviously crazy in the head, whereas Darkthrone are mentally completely sane. While Darkthrone represent the never-give-a-fuck aspect of black metal, Mayhem are the sickness and depravity. Just listen to "Buried by Time and Dust" or "De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas". No more words.

Immortal – AT THE HEART OF WINTER (1997)

The first black metal that was suited for being played in stadiums. This record sounds like the band had a wizard come to their studio (maybe the wizard featured in the Call of the Wintermoon video) who turned vast icy landscapes into sound. The riffs are as colossal as it gets, menacing to break out of the speakers to cover the world with ice and snow. Dick hardening heavy metal grandiloquence. Immortal were never and never will be better. While Darkthrone and Mayhem have and always had a certain avant-gardesque touch, Immortal are pure working class black metal. They began with true black metal so primitive you almost felt ashamed for the band, then went on with faceskin peeling monumental blackened power metal – no experiments, it all comes from the heart. Also, there's no message here, except: fucking ROCK!


- Only fags and posers live in the inner city, macchiato sipping wannabe intellectual scum. Misanthropic, euphorically depressive, borderline autistic, strong, vigorous, fair and handsome Übermen like myself prefer the suburbs, clean, wide, ugly, boring and dangerous.

- Music died around the year 2000. Nothing innovative came after that. Nothing but variations of much too well known themes.

- If you think all music that's been recorded after the year 2000 sucks ass, you probably live in the inner city.

- Real men work hard or work out. Or both. Or they kill bears with their bare hands. You might object that Humphrey Bogart didn't work hard, nor did he work out. Well, Bogart played real men, asshole.

- Darkthrone is the best band in the world.

- Punkrock died with GG Allin. Don't even dare to call yourself a fucking rebel, unless you have the balls to perform naked and take a shit onstage and smear your face with your excrements and fight the whole fucking world and go down in flames. Begging and drinking beer on the streets and wearing a mohawk doesn't make you a punk, you misguided fashion victim, motherfucker, piece of shit. Get the fuck back back to your mom's house and grow out of adolescence, then reconsider if you really have the guts to REBEL. Rebellion is either a death sentence or you don't fucking call it rebellion.

- Neither does persisting in listening to your shitty records on vinyl or dee-jaying solely with vinyl make you a punk. How could you even come up with the idea of standing up for punk rock by being as blimpish as can be? Punk rock doesn't need your piteous stance, and the world doesn't need it, and noone needs it, noone needs you, fuck off.

- Clubs, congregations, unions, subcultures are for dumbasses who want nothing more than to adapt to some kind of society. Only cowards feel the urge to band together and adapt to a code of behavior and appearance so they can feel good about themselves. Your social marginality is a gift, dumbass. It's what makes you special. Don't waste it by joining a stupid fucking movement. True greatness is achieved only by those swimming against all streams, not only the main stream. The kind of conformity you're living and defending is dangerous and deadly. I'll fucking bite your head off if I ever meet you.

- Heavy Metal is like France. France would be the greatest country in the world, if it weren't for its inhabitants. Heavy Metal would be the greatest musical genre in the world if it weren't for its fans.

- Real men listen to Heavy Metal.