Sonntag, 29. August 2010

Men's Health

I recently and accidentally came upon the august issue of the shit mag "Men's Health". They were handing out that printed trash for free at some kind of promotional event disguised as a sports competition. I have no recollection of how I found my way right into the middle of this giant meeting of assholes. I must have been drunk or something. I took a copy of the mag with me because it was for free and because I had nothing to read on the way home. I didn't however read it in the subway, because I was too busy hating everybody. I read it at home, when I stumbled upon it a few days later. And, oh woe, what did my eyes behold!

Nothing against men's magazines in general. But in order to be legit as such, a men's magazine should feature at least two, if not all of the following components:

- tits of reasonable quantity and size (no photoshopped/boyish/anorexic/flat-breasted new-fashioned bullshit), eventually and at the very best also pussy shots;

- awesome stuff like weapons, tanks, very big machines;

- heavy metal;

- gratuitous violence;

- blatant oldschool chauvinism;

- examples of real men (Marlon Brando, Charles Bukowski, the Dude, Mickey Rourke, Lemmy, etc);

- a poster of some kind of radically anti-feminist über-man carrying an assault rifle, a whip and ammunition belts, standing on a tank pulled by twenty naked huge-breasted sweating girls orgazming at his sight, while Motörhead play in the background and a giant nuclear mushroom cloud fills the sky.

Instead, Men's Health features this:

- A somewhat creepy density of unnaturally well-built male models, all with designer stubbles and lascivious-joyous look on their mildly tanned faces. Only a few pages into the mag, there's a fullpage ad for one of the gayest labels ever, Dolce & Gabbana, with a wet, almost naked man rubbing his crotch in your face, asking you with his feverish gaze to suck his cock like the debauched sperm-hungry male slut he knows you are. The subliminal homosexuality here isn't subliminal anymore.

So now that we've stopped discriminating homosexuals, we become homosexual instead? It's like those ethno nazis who think that if you don't have dreadlocks and wear hand tufted Tibetan sandals and eat African food, you're automatically a raging hating rascist asshole. But I think it's more likely a possibility for Men's Health readers to live out their suppressed bisexuality and hasn't much to do with actually tolerating and consciously absorbing a different culture.

- A shitload of reports on low calory food and how to eliminate even the last gram of fat in your body. You can't be fucking serious. I thought women were the ones unable to remember that exercise and a diet based on vegetables will make them loose weight, and need to have it drummed into their birdbrains again every week with the help of the new issue of their favourite shit filled women's magazine. So now men want to read about which Starbucks Frappuccino is the most venial dietary sin too? Fuck you. What makes you want to drink a Starbucks Frappuccino in the first place, asshat? Go get yourself a fucking beer, before a sailor sees you and rips your dick off and rams it up your ass. Goddman, this shit makes me so angry I'm getting a bad nosebleed. I'm going to work out super hard tomorrow so I can crack your neck with a nudge of my little finger next time I see one of you metrosexual dicks with his Frappuccino.

- Speaking of metrosexuality: Should you, as a man, shave your privates? Your friends and advisors of Men's Health can tell you why you should eliminate all the pubes. First, it makes your dick look bigger. Second, it's hygienic. Third, 98% of women are (allegedly) turned off by your bush, so if you shave, you increase your chance to get a blowjob.

Well, no. Just fucking no. A man shaving anywhere downwards from his head is a disgrace. It's just not supposed to be. Nothing justifies the action of running a razor over your balls. And as for the dick-size argument, don't pretend to be shaving because you want your dick to look bigger for her. She's not supposed to stare at it and take pictures, but to ride it like a sex drunk frantic slut. I bet you just want to turn yourself on and your secretly bisexual workout buddies in the shower. Go drown in a pool of dicks, you hypocrite asshole.

Also, hygiene has nothing to do with your body hair. How about taking a shower? And if your girl complains about your balls smelling like balls, fart in her face and then throw her out the window. Same if she belongs to the (according to Men's Health) 98% who are turned off by hairy balls so strongly they refuse to suck on them. A woman who wants you to shave your balls, because having a pube on her tongue after giving you a blowjob is simply too much for her, is an annoying bitch, so the act of violence inflicted upon her is strictly justified. And just in case you feel like objecting that 98% is almost every woman, fuck you, because what do you care about every woman? 99,9% of women are retarded, so if you have the smallest possible amount of sense, you're going to have to stick to the remaining 0,1%. But obviously you have eradicated all sense from your brain, you degenerated fuck. So if you're asking yourself the question whether or not to shave down there, you're already wrong. Go die in a napalm bombing (which, by the way, is the easiest way to get rid of all that hair). I believe there's a not too remote probability for metrosexuality to cause the downfall of mankind, when supposedly heterosexual men begin to fuck each other instead of women, claiming it to be a natural part of male friendship and bond building.

- So now you've shaved your arm pits, chest, balls, dick and ass crack, and you're still bored with your sex life? Thank God there's Men's Health to supply you with some exciting positions that probably never came to either your or your girl's mind! How about this awesome variation of the missionary position: Instead of just lying flat, your girl pulls up her legs, so as to tighten her vagina! Or let the girl sit on top of you for a change! I'm not kidding, these are actual sex tips in Men's Health. I refuse to believe that there are grown men out there who are sexually retarded enough to need this kind of hints. Do you idiots even know where your dick is located? Or which one of her holes you're supposed to bang? Newsflash, fucktard: there are actually several holes you can use. But don't count on me to give you a site plan. Find out for yourself. Read it in the next issue of Men's Health.

- Dating tips. Only losers need dating tips. That's a fact.

Okay, enough. I've tried to read more but it makes me so angry and ashamed I'm on the brink of running amok. I don't dare to imagine what sorry excuses for men read this mag on a regular basis. It seems like today's "men's" magazines are actually just women's magazines in disguise. I wouldn't be surprised if getting a Men's Health subscription resulted in having your penis turn into a vagina.

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