Sonntag, 21. Februar 2010

Helene Hegemann

Helene Hegemann is the latest German cultural scandal and at first I didn't want to give a shit about her and successfully managed to ignore her, but I finally do have to give a shit, because, damn, she's pissing me off.

She seems to piss off a lot of people nowadays, for different reasons, but the main one seems to be the evident fact that she copy-pasted the major part of her book "Axofuckl Roadcunt" from other so-called culturally relevant blogs and novels. But, really, who cares? At the Gates' version of Slaughter Lord's "Legion" is far better than the original. I've listened to Slaughter Lord. They suck. If no one remembers them, they've obviously didn't get it quite right. All hail At the Gates.

I have different reasons to hate the living shit out of Helene fucking Hegemann.

Number one: her origins. Her father is Carl-Georg Hegemann a major German intellectual bourgeoisie drama cunt. If his name alone doesn't piss you off yet, what about this: fucking knobhead studied philosophy, sociology and literature and did a doctorate at the age of 30. I'd rather do nothing at all for the rest of my life than a doctorate at 30. Carl Hegemann works as a dramatic advisor and writes papers about the intersection of society and theater. What? THEATER? Shut the fuck up. We have cinema, who gives a shit about theater? Fuck off and die, theater faggot.

Number two: Jealousy, fuck yeah. I avow myself to the sin of jealousy. I've wanted to write and publish my own book since the age of eleven. I've never published, and not even finished a single text until now, because I've never thought anything to be even approximatively good enough for my pretentious criteria, let alone good enough to compete against the works of the great masters that inspired me. And now that greasy-haired intelligentsia brat comes along and has the bluntness to publish her belched pubertal fantasies and make a million with it – what the hell?

Number three: Helene H. is fucking ugly and that makes her book a lie. I haven't read it and I'm not planning to read it, at least not in the near future (next five years), but I have heard she's writing a great deal about sex. Objection, your honor! Who would fuck that potato faced abomination? It has also come to my attention that she writes about masturbation. My plea: Ugly chicks do not have anything coming close to sex, and that implies all actions involving the touching of the genitals, except going potty and washing. I gather from the oily shimmer of Helene's hair that she doesn't wash too often though.

So when I see Helene Hegemann's face, I forget about my jealousy. Really, I'm almost happy she's making a million with her book because I'd rather stay poor and dumb than be that ugly. Strengthens my thesis on the degeneration of Germany's cultural elite.

But her ugliness doesn't seem to affect any of those gay ass cultural journalist who whine about her blunt copy-pasting. I bet the tip of my dick they don't care the slightest bit about her prose theft but just write hateful stuff about her because they are, like myself, just jealous because they never managed to achieve anything in life and have to watch that cunt making shitpiles of money, while they write whiny envious whogivesashit online columns in order to pay for their uglier-than-Helene-Hegemann Golf 2. Damn it, just look at her face and calm the fuck down!

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