Freitag, 26. Februar 2010

Don't be stupid

Anybody can be as much of an asshat as they want to be, as long as they don't persistently rub it under my nose. And if they absolutely have to show off their idiocy like a piece of jewelry, let them at least be eager to change their behaviour when having their acts of brutish stupidity pointed out by someone smarter.

Here is, based on things that annoyed me today, some advice on how to be less of a dumbass. FUCKING DON'T:

- wear UGG BOOTS or brag about how badly you want to have a pair of them. UGG boots are uggly. It seems like women are doomed to a kind of fashion down syndrome. What the hell is it with every single woman out there going completely mental and drippingly wet over the most hideous shoes in the universe? These shoes make every woman look like a retard. If there is a single man out there who thinks that UGG boots look good on girls, he must be shot at once. When I told my girlfriend, who was standing in front of a shop window, admiring the display of UGG dreadfulness, salivating and creaming her pants, that I find the shoes she was craving for so badly execrable, she answered "Women don't dress for the sole purpose of pleasing men". I had her arrested for that. At least I tried; unfortunately, the officer was a woman. She let me off with a warning.

- be a music smartass. No one gives a flying fuck about your pseudo-academic music knowledge. I hate to ask someone "Hey, who is that?" and getting a music nerd lecture on Eric Clapton's guitar playing style or how much better the original is or who wrote it. Even worse are people screaming out at every song they think no one but them knows "Woah IRON MAIDEN!" or "I HATE that version!" and then looking around to see if someone is in the slightest way reacting to their retarded outburst, so they can annoy him with their lame semi-expertise. These are usually people that will not shut the fuck up unless you knock them out. If you choose to ignore them and turn your back to them, they will follow you through the room like you're a hot bitch. If you answer or even commit the fatal error of letting yourself get entangled in an endless, nerve-wracking discussion, chances are they from then on think you are a friend of theirs. From that point on all is lost. I deal with such people by telling them as soon as they approach me that Pink is the greatest band ever. I usually manage to shake those motherfuckers off with that trick, since it makes them think I'm completely unworthy of hearing the important things they have to say.

- be Nickelback.

- be a hobbit motherfucker, and by hobbit motherfucker I don't mean hobbit motherfucker as in „Hobbit Motherfuckers“ by Turbonegro, but live role playing, sword brandishing, chain mail knotting, dragon shaped candleholder buying, wolf t-shirt wearing, Blind Guardian/Dream Theater/Rhapsody of Fire venerating Middle Earth fags. You suck. You're fat. You smell like sweat. You discuss orc weapons. Fuck you. Shut the fuck up.

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